I Wanted To Be A Taxidermist But They Didn't Trust Me With The Knives...

Hello...and goodbye?

2010-10-09T22:19:00.000+01:00

I'm so busy with other stuff that I'm not getting chance to update this blog. I've decided to leave this one dormant and just update the one that feeds to my permanent website.

I can now be found at www.theuglyowl.com

See you on the other side ;D

VF xxx

Christmas makes me itch.

2009-12-20T15:09:00.001Z

Ohhhh it so bloody does! All the structure goes from daily life and you end up not knowing what day of the week it is. Everyone's at home and it's fabulous for the first three days, but then you want to kill the next person who uses up the last of the milk and puts the empty carton back in the fridge.

Ok, so I realise that I have control issues, there's no point denying it. I can't cope with this letting go of normality, it doesn't feel right >8-(

Luckily we don't go anywhere on Christmas day itself, the four of us stay home and batten down the hatches. It's lovely really - noone to please but ourselves and the kids don't care if they get their dinner at 1pm or 5pm, so long as the chocolate selection boxes keep coming.

I'm determined not to do my usual thing of getting sucked into the 'You WILL Enjoy Yourself' mode - therein lies madness (more madness than usual, anyway). So they'll get presents, they'll get fed, and if I have to go hide in a cupboard and do a bit of Mental Knitting in the middle of proceedings, then so be it.

At least Brian the Stoat is getting into the Christmas spirit.

Ohhhh...I might actually achieve my ambition after all...

2009-12-08T12:28:00.000Z

So, it was my 40th birthday recently. Eek. Well not so eek, actually - for one thing I'm not overly bothered about age, and for another I had a fabulous party and some A-MAZ-ING presents :D

Two gifts in particular were just spectacular - both taxidermy specimens. The first was a tawny owl in a glass case - I was just speechless when I saw it. And believe me, that doesn't happen very often!

The second turned out to be a stoat, hanging from a branch. Gorgeous in itself, but there were other things in the gift box with him - a selection of taxidermy tools, and, and...AND A VOUCHER FOR A TAXIDERMY MASTERCLASS :o :o :O

I rang my new mentor this week and he's fabulous - we had a long and properly interesting chat about it all, including how this is possibly the most bizarre birthday present ever :D I'm going to spend the day at his workshop in the New Year and he reckons that it will be long enough to teach me the basics of mounting birds.

Ohhhhhhh I AM SO EXCITED :D :D :D

Why can't I just get it OUT?!

2009-10-29T15:14:00.000Z

I may have possibly mentioned on occasion that I am writing a book. No, don't laugh at the back - I'm absolutely determined to do this thing. Yes I know, I've said that about things before. But this is different - it's as if I HAVE to do it. If I don't get this story out then it will itch and fester inside me for the rest of my days.

So here I am, taking a break from ploughing the lonely furrow that is the daily drudge of the aspiring novelist. I've just run a word count programme and I have apparently committed just over nine thousand words to my computer's hard drive. That's apart from the pages of waffling notes that I've written for myself, of course. And which I now have no way of translating, cos they appear to have been written in the depths of a trance during which I lost all grasp on the English language.

So yeah - nine thousand words. That's about ten percent of what I need. Only eighty-one thousand words to go. A cinch. Eek.

I am soooooo stealing these ideas!

2009-10-26T12:30:00.000Z

Knit one, purl one, knit one, aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!

2009-10-25T15:43:00.000Z

I am SO cross with myself. I started knitting a new winter hat and promised myself that I would finish this project, so help me I would.

So I sat and knitted, knitted and sat and got about three quarters of the way through. Past all of the awkward cabling bits and onto the crown decreases. At which point it occurred to me that the only head this hat would fit snugly on would be that of John Merrick. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong - I'd followed the pattern correctly, used the right yarn, the right needles, everything. Then the friend that I'd pinched the pattern from in the first place pointed out that I was using the right needle-size for the yarn, but they were the wrong size for the pattern. I'd been using 6mm instead of 4mm - no wonder the flaming thin came up big! Durrr.

So this weekend has been mostly taken up with spitting grumpily at the huge hat, then sitting down and ripping the whole damn thing apart. I'm now back to knitting the rib bottom for the replacement, which will hopefully fit my stupid bonce...

Crafting with Edward Cullen.

2009-10-23T12:48:00.000+01:00

I've been pondering over Barbie dolls and their knock-off replicas, and wondering who on EARTH buys these repulsive things??? Lots of people, it turns out. Anyway, I was in the supermarket and spotted a reeeeeeeeeally vile 'Sparkle Mermaid' doll in the toy aisle. Honestly, I've never seen anything so ugly and plastic and downright manmade in all my goddamn life.

I had this impulse to save her from herself, so I actually bought the thing. Two whole English pounds, she cost me. That bought me the doll, her detacheable 'mermaid' tail, some weird papery frock thing and a party skirt. So much nylon!

I've decided to see how far I can transform her from what she was. Whether the ugly duckling can ever be a swan. It will be a long job... So far I have dismantled her, reattached her limbs in a slightly more human-looking pose and adjusted her waist size so that she bears a passing resemblance to something living.

I've removed all her hair and am currently re-rooting a new scalp piece, which will give her long, thick, crinkly hair in shades of sea green. The doll itself has been covered in an initial layer of Modroc which has so far taken two days to dry. Fun fun fun! I'll sand that down, then put another layer on, this one soaked in a water/PVA mix to give a more durable finish (and one that paint will hopefully adhere to).

The wig's taking ages - I've spent the last two days stranding yarn on my lap, whilst watching films on my macbook. I can't bear to work in silence, the contents of my own head start to drive me mad. My usual companion when I work at my desk is Edward Cullen - I watch Twilight over and over, it's a comfort thing. I know, sad. But he's such a purdy vampire...

See, there <<< he is, watching over me as I work - kind of comforting, really...

Yes, I AM still alive...

2009-10-20T20:55:00.000+01:00

Despite the lack of activity on here, I am indeed still live and kicking. Distracted and vaguely unhinged half the time, but still here.

I'm currently still obsessing about taxidermy in all its forms - I'm getting desperate to have a crack at it. I even have a perfectly neat dead mouse tucked into the back of the freezer, waiting for the day when I get brave enough to defrost it and do my worst best with a scalpel.

Aaaarrrrggghhhhh...I'm sure I'm supposed to have a Clear Career Path by this time of life...

AhahahahahahaaaaaHAAA!!!

2009-07-17T11:18:00.000+01:00

Didn't keep my promise to myself about updating this blog, did I? Oh well, better late than never ;-P

I have spent this week attempting to make new things look old - it's amazing how worn out a piece of fabric can look when it's been soaked in tea and attacked with a Dremel...

Ohhhhh and I listened to this for the first time in years - it has to be the saddest song ever recorded...

Nnnnnngggggghhhhh...

2009-06-07T10:42:00.000+01:00

Oh gods, I am so crap at this blog malarkey. I need to set an alarm on my laptop to remind me to update it.

Anyway, this is just to say I'm here, I'm alive, I'm still making stuff. Normal service will be resumed asap.

And whilst I'm thinking about alarm clocks, just how cool is this beauty?! Now that's the sort of bedside clock I'd like...

A new broom...

2009-02-07T21:59:00.001Z

I need to work on some new stuff. I've got loads of ideas churning around - too many to keep track of, half the time.

The OH is working on a spangly new website, so I'm going to aim to re-launch the whole shebang in about a month or so, I think. My ideas and ways of working have changed so much recently that the current website just doesn't do it for me anymore. It's very nice, but too, well, familiar.

So there's that, and I'm also (finally!) getting round to working on the book idea. That's something else that's changed as it's gone along - it is (or will be) completely different to how I envisaged. More depth, I think. I find it really scary putting ideas down, in case I hate them as soon as they're committed to paper. And the thought of anyone else actually reading it - blerk!

And I want to extend the type of dolls I do as well - some smaller, evil-faerie ones, I think. Plus maybe some bears - I'm really into the mechanics of bear making at the moment, for some reason. There's some strange creatures in my Woods, and no mistake.

I've been asked to make a roadkill kangaroo and it's annoying and intriguing in equal measure at the moment - I've actually got a vintage kangaroo pattern, but how on earth do I turn it into a dead roo (or Rancid Roo as it's become known)?

Maybe I will flatten his head and paint some tyre tracks over him. Mind you, it would have to have been a BIG truck...

Can I buy some extra fingers?

2009-02-04T13:52:00.000Z

I need at least 6 fingers on each hand, I've decided. The current amount simply aren't enough. This is due to my latest craft attempt - intarsia knitting. I have nearly finished a teacosy with skull and crossbones design (pattern here) and am now addicted.

Except that is physically impossible to knit intarsia without using one's teeth as a holding device, to pull one yarn taut whilst the other one is joined in. I suspect that Kaffe Fassett would not approve of this method...

Anyway, I am v v pleased with my attempts so far and am planning a rather ambitious project - a wallhanging portrait of Betty Page. It's not as complicated as it sounds - I've used a b&w stencil picture as a guide so it shouldn't be too complicated. Famous last words. It'll be big tho - I need to root out some circular needles.

My creative mojo appears to have left the building, so at least knitting will keep my crafty side going until it reappears. Either that, or I shall have to hibernate until Spring...

Oh, and whilst I'm here...

2009-01-26T22:18:00.000Z

...you know that version of 'God Is In The House' that I linked to in an earlier blog and said I wasn't sure what I thought of it?

Yup, I hate it. I currently feel the urge to dig that woman's vocal chords out with a rusty spoon. Hth.

Ohhhhhhhhh FFS!!!

2009-01-26T21:34:00.000Z

I have been meaning to update this blog for ages. I look at it, think "oh yes, that would be amusing" and start typing it out.

Then I see something shiny and wander off. Seriously, I'm like a fecking magpie. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to hold a conversation with someone when my head is thinking 'yes, ooh I know, she did you know...PRETTY BUTTERFLY!!!...never, really?!' Humph.

It's the same with craft projects - I have a steeyoopid amount of things on the go at the moment. Some are 'proper' work-type things, some are just, well, me wanting to try out every sodding craft in existence on the planet. Knitting is the main one - despite the increasing evidence that I have the attention span of a gnat with ADHD, I will insist on starting new projects at the rate of three or four a week. I get about 6 rows into the pattern and decide that it's too complicated and that I probably won't stick at it, so I may as well give up now and save the hassle later.

Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies...

I've discovered how to stay happy with knitting, tho - I now simple knit a sample of a new stitch and leave it at that. I'm happy when I know how to do something, it doesn't need to have a constructive reason for its existence. So the little table next to the sofa now holds a copy of 'The Knitter's Bible', needles of varying sizes (not all in pairs) and a growing pile of 6"x 4" knitting samples.

Perhaps one day I will sew them into an intriguing cushion...

Official work currently consists of a family of deer, some toadstools and a doll with wings. And lots of design work for commissions.

On top of that lot, the shop that sells my Woodland Dolls have offered me the entire window display for a week sometime in the summer, so I need to work towards that.

And it occurred to me today that possibly I ought to update my website, given that some of the items on there were sold before Christmas. Christonabike, I'm inefficient...

I am currently avoiding doing any work by watching YouTube. Now there's a change. I was talking to someone about Matt Berry earlier and it reminded me of possibly the greatest love song ever. He'll always be a One Track Lover, will poor Matt...

Off to sew tiiiiiiiny ears onto a deer. It has no eyes and I am trying to think of a joke involving the phrase 'no idea', but I'm failing. As usual.

Lost In Translation...

2008-12-09T19:48:00.000Z

So it's the last craft fair before Christmas this Saturday and I needed to spend the last week getting lots and lots and lots of stuff finished. At which point I get the flu-bug from hell, obviously...

Am feeling a bit better now, although I have an ulcerated throat which isn't too pleasant. I eat pretty healthily, hardly drink and don't smoke - I'm not sure what else I can do to build up my obviously lazy immune system. In a fit of madness I ordered a pile of fruit and veg from Sainsburys and have rooted the juicer out from its customary place at the back of the cupboard (next to the ancient yoghurt maker, just left of the fondue set).

I predict that this regime will last ooh, about two days. However long it takes for the juicer to go mouldy when I don't clean it properly, anyway.

I've been cheering myself up the only way I know how - by buying yarn and fabric. Found this brilliant new online fabric shop, fabricrehab.co.uk - lots of glorious FQs in retro patterns, Japanese imports, all sorts. I bought an owl one (which is no longer on the site), plus the 'Folklore', 'Little Fawn' and an utterly genius print called 'Domestic Goddess' (pictured).

How could you not fall in love with fabric that comes with such elegant quotes as 'Mom makes a delicious dish in a kitchen. It is almost completion' and 'It does important work to press a favourite shirt'??? Completely wonderful and I just had to have it. No idea what I'm going to do with it, mind...

Once Saturday's fair is over with that's me pretty much finished with Christmas work. I sent my last commissions off today as well. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks without looming dreadlines - there's nothing like a bit of pressure to guarantee that every last creative idea will leave my head.

In order to give my artistic side a bit of a kick, I've decided to enter a local textile competition. The 2009 comp hasn't been officially launched yet but I managed to speak to one of the organisers and got hold of some of the details, so that I can make a start on some ideas. The theme is 'Evolution', which is pretty wide-ranging and should give me scope for a really nice piece. The only major rule is that the entry must include wool - I'm thinking maybe some nice drape-y lurex cable knits in a very small gauge, which I can use to give movement to the larger piece. I've got loads of ideas whirling round my head but can be guilty of 'gilding the lily' somewhat, so I need to sketch it all out then pare it down.

I just recently got into amigurimi - I was given a couple of brilliant books for my birthday and I'm dying to have some free time to practise. I've managed a rather wobbly pink pig so far - a major achievement, given that up until recently crochet and I were deadly enemies. I just couldn't get on with it, however hard I tried. A very clever (and patient!) friend of mine kindly came round and gave me some practical tuition and all of a sudden it all clicked into place. Now I love it - it's so logical and simple, and the design possibilities are endless.

Another aspect of it that fascinates me is 'hyperbolic crochet' - described by The Times as being 'where maths and domestic science meet and get weaving'. It's so beautiful that it's sometimes difficult to believe that it is created by nothing more than yarn and a hook. Have a look at this crochet coral reef created by The Institute for Figuring for some amazing examples.

I'm also planning a remote controlled raggy doll, but explanations of that one will have to wait til next time!

For now, I shall leave you with a rather unusual version of a classic song - God Is In The House . I still haven't decided whether I love or loathe it - much more interesting than than hearing a song and having an immediate opinion!

Notes on madness...

2008-11-17T10:31:00.000Z

I haven't mentioned my, erm...'bonkersness' problems on here so far, mainly cos a)this was originally supposed to be about my work only (although it's rapidly turning into the 'Fenn rants about random stuff' page) and b)anyone reading this probably knows me already and is all to aware that Mr and Mrs Sanity are not always at home to callers.

Anyhoo. As it has been an issue recently, I thought I would chunter about it for a bit. I have what is known as Generalised Anxiety Disorder - GAD for short. Dontcha just love all these acronyms?! It matches my OCD, the IBS and the DFS. Only maybe not that last one.

It's a really difficult thing to explain, is GAD. In its simplest form it just means that I worry about things that wouldn't bother other people and over-analyse to a ridiculous degree. Which sounds quite simple - sufferers worry too much. Therefore they should do what they can, then stop worrying, right?!

Only it isn't that simple.

See, if I want to go to town, there's several different routes I can take. Plus, I could walk, or drive, or take the bus. Just think of the potential for disaster with all those choices! If I walk one way, that might be the route with the creepy-rapist-who-collects-scalps-as-trophies in the hedge. If I walk the other way, he might be there instead and it would be such an irony that I'd gone that way to avoid him, only for him to be in the second choice place anyway!

Can you see how difficult it's getting?! It gets worse when you get to transport choices - I could catch the bus. But really I shouldn't (money and exercise being the main factors) and anyway, if I get on the bus, what if there's PEOPLE on it?! There might be someone I know, but not all that well - do I go sit with them and have to force chat all the way to town (plus risk them thinking I'm a weirdo), or do I sit elsewhere and have them think I'm being ignorant?

Cars are even worse - turn left and that might be the road with the terrible, one-in-a-million-against-it-happening crash. If I hang on for thirty seconds I might avoid the crash. Or I might drive straight into it - wouldn't THAT be ironic!

But what if I turn right and it's that road that the crash is on? What then, eh?! I have been know to drive up to junctions with absolutely no idea which direction I'm going to take - I just mentally cross my fingers and hope that my subconscious picks a road. It can be hair raising at times.

Fairly understandably, I tend to avoid driving these days...

The doctor asked me to explain to him what GAD meant to me. Instead of repeating all of that ^^^ I stared at him like a bunny in headlights, felt myself starting to panic ("what if he thinks I'm making it up? He does, he thinks I'm lying! Oh my god, I bet he thinks I'm a complete hypochondriac or an attention seeker! Now I'm going red and I look guilty!") then blurted out "I DON'T KNOW BUT THE FORKS CAN'T GO IN THE KNIFE DRAWER!!!" Jeez...

Well anyway they can't. They would be lonely.

I am off to make dreadlock wigs for rag dolls. It's the simple things that keep me happy. As does this video - check out those synchronised BMX riders!

Bat For Lashes - What's A Girl To Do?

Procrastination is the Thief of Time...

2008-10-29T23:58:00.000Z

Oh yes it is...I have lots and lots and LOTS of work to do. So obviously, rather than make stock for the craft fair or start on a commission piece, I have rearranged the entire kitchen, including emptying cupboards that have sat untouched for the past eight years. Of course. Then I started on our bedroom but got bored rapidly, so we're now sleeping in a particularly messy bombsite.

Today I have sorted out some of the workroom but I'm still horrendously short of storage space. The pic shows what sort of desk I work on - there's barely room for a teeny mouse to park its claws...

On the plus side, I went to a quilting show on Sunday with my lovely chum Cath and we bought gorgeous fabric (and lusted after a lot more). Ohhhhhh, the work that goes into some of those quilts! I would die. of. boredom. after the first row, I swear. I covet one for the bed tho - maybe it should be added to the neverending List of Things To Do When I Have Time.

Only I never have time, cos Procrastination stole it and hid it in a shoebox.

Music to watch (half naked) girls by...

Grrnnnghh...

2008-10-08T23:35:00.000+01:00

It's late, I'm tired, I have loads of work to do, I have no motivation to do any work, I'm wondering whether to change career tack and become a Suicide Girl, I just stuck a sewing needle into my own thigh...

...never mind, this will make it all better - singalongaLou...

Velvet Underground - Sweet Jane

A plague of owls be upon you...

2008-10-03T13:38:00.000+01:00

It's the chickens all over again. When I bought my first chickens, it appeared that everyone who saw them thought "Aha!!! She likes chickens! That's Christmas and birthdays sorted forever!". Cue chicken aprons, models of chickens, chicken cards...I actually really like all the chicken-y stuff, it was just the glee on people's faces when they realised they never had to rack their brains for present ideas ever again that tickled me.

Anyway, the owls. So far I only have a few - ten or twelve, maybe? But it's instinctive - I myself now find myself rootling around charity shops and thinking 'what I really need in my life is a two foot high cut glass owl, oh yes indeedy'.

My favourite owl so far is a little green enamel one that was one of a pair of earrings that the lovely Jasmine sent me (you can see the doll version of Jasmine that I made here). But coming a close second is the mug I bought from Help the Aged yesterday for the princely sum of 59p.

An owl with the tail of a peacock, who could wish for more in life?

Oh, and remember kids - death is not the end...

Is it just me, or...

2008-10-01T22:31:00.000+01:00

...is there a distinct illustration of internal ladybits on this piece of fabric?! Seriously, it's almost exactly like those diagrams you see in school biology textbooks - I'm sure the designer must've known exactly what they were doing...

Catch 22...

2008-09-22T21:32:00.000+01:00

See, I knew I'd slack of with keeping this blog up to date! Does ANYONE actually write a blog at a consistent rate all the time? Apart from anything else, when I'm bored and life is quiet I have nothing to write about, but when there's exciting stuff going on I don't have time - the eternal paradox...

Right then. This week I have mostly been planning World Domination. Mwahahahahahahahahaaa...

It's all long term stuff and secret for now, but I'm hoping that the Owl will spread his talons a bit further afield over the coming year or so. There's only so much one can do with a home workroom and one small website!

All this covert stuff has been keeping me very busy and I've had a month off from my usual craft stall, but I'll be back at the Fair in the Square in Shrewsbury on October 11th.

In the meantime, I have owls to stuff, bags to make, bookwork to do (boo), cards to print (yay!) and lots of other small but essential jobs that keep me in business. See you on the other side.

Busy, busy, busy...

2008-09-07T21:22:00.000+01:00

Ohhh, I have been up to HERE (waves hand randomly around head) recently. Been trying to update the website and make up the stock levels.

I decided to move my shop pages onto a commercial merchant site and now have a very pretty shop hosted by Big Cartel. It can be accessed from The Ugly Owl as normal - click on the 'Emporium' link on the main menu. I am very excited with my new toy!

The best thing happening this month is that one of my Owls has gone a-travelling and is having a high old time, living it up with some very dubious characters indeed ;-) You can catch up with Engelbert's adventures here

Right, I'm off to sew the ears onto a rabbit.

What we did on our holidays...

2008-08-26T22:50:00.000+01:00

I went to the Leeds festival this weekend. It was my first ever festival, so I did it in style and stayed backstage for the duration.

I don't have time to write a full description just yet, but see the attached picture for the reason why I have just had the best weekend of my life...

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

2008-08-07T13:22:00.000+01:00

Come see me in person! I'm at the Fair in the Square in Shrewsbury on the second Saturday of every month - that's this coming Saturday, oh yes!

I'm having a bit of a clear out - I'm running out of space in my teeny workshop. So for one day only I'll be selling stuff at a discount from the website prices.

I've also got some pretty new bracelets and brooches, plus a couple of new Creatures from the Woods.

Be there or be a four-cornered, equal-sided thing!

So far, I have...

2008-08-06T21:08:00.000+01:00

...got halfway up the sides of the crocheted bag, only to realise that it is turning into a duffel bag rather than the glamorous evening purse I'd invisaged.

Almost made the dead rabbit - needs to be stuffed and have his arms attached. Oh, and a face. A face would be good.

Knickers are still on the back burner (not literally).

The burlesque urge has taken a knock, as I now cannot go to look at the lovely ladies on Thursday night as we had planned. Bah.

The dressmaking course has been shelved - I rang up to enquire and it turns out to be too basic. I may not be very good at following patterns, but I doubt that I need the lesson in threading a sewing machine...

Oh well, there's progress of sorts in there...

But I want to do EVERYTHING!!!

2008-07-31T10:02:00.000+01:00

Ohhhhhh, there are just not enough hours in the day for all the things I want to doooo....

On my To Do List currently are -

Crochet a dollybag for myself (I want a nicely glam one for eveningwear)

Make a newly dead rabbit, with maybe some patchwork going on

Learn to make knickers (see previous posts!)

Learn the art of burlesque

Start a proper dressmaking course so that I can make wonderfully unique clothes for myself and for the stall

There's loads more, but it depresses me to think about it for too long. There are also half-finished knitting projects hanging around the house - I have a knitted cat that I finished in February but have yet to sew together, ditto a pair of fingerless gloves.

The trouble is that I want to do SO many things that I get flustered and end up doing none of them. I have actually got a book on loan from the library atm, which appears to have been written just for me - it is titled "What Do I Do When I Want To Do Everything?". It is a fabulous book, unfortunately I have only read the first two chapters as I got distracted by learning to crochet circles...

Bah. Anyway, here is a picture of a pair of brooches I've just made - I do finish things occasionally!

I am currently listening to the James Taylor Quartet and fighting the urge to do Jazz Hands...

It's so cute it may have to die...

2008-07-21T20:59:00.000+01:00

I had what can only be described as weird-creature-maker's block. Nothing was forthcoming, no brilliant ideas were a-flowing from my needles.

So I decided to give my brain cells a kick up the arse by making something that I would never normally dream of doing - something cute.

And surprisingly, I actually quite like it!!!

Poor Ralph.

2008-07-19T22:27:00.001+01:00

Ralph needs some new friends, he is lonely I think. But what sort of friends, that is the question. I'm halfway through cutting out the pieces for a new rabbit plush - he's going to be based on the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, but as the rabbit would be if he got lost in the Owl's woods.

No doubt he will have been injured in some way, they usually are. Maybe he will have singed his waistcoat somehow and possibly melted his watch. OOH...melted Dali watch, now that's a thought!

The trouble is that I get so carried away with making convoluted pieces that I forget that it's supposed to be a 'proper' job - there's no way I'd ever actually earn a living by making one piece a fortnight, however much thought and effort goes into it.

Which is a shame, but probably not a surprise.

Currently - drinking V&T and listening to Joy Division.

Well, why SHOULDN'T I wear fairy wings?! Or, Why Nikki Hambleton-Jones should be shot for crimes against individuality...

2008-07-16T22:46:00.001+01:00

Seriously, why not?! I have this urge, you see - an urge to buy (and wear, in public) fairy wings of the type normally found on 8 yr old girls.

I mentioned my flighty urges to the Other Half, who did that rolly-eyed thing. You know, the look that your mother gives you because you have got to 38 without feeling the urge to start buying your knickers in multi-packs from Marks and Spencer. Anyhoo, luckily I have the sort of chap who, whilst admittedly doing the bug-eye thing, will manfully let me get on with making a complete twonk of myself without too much interference.

But seriously, why SHOULDN'T someone of my middling age wear exactly what he or she wants to? Why is there this idea of dressing 'appropriately', hmmm???

WHO MADE NIKKI HAMBLETON-JONES GOD?????

Jeez, I wish to poke her glasses off her face with a size 4 knitting needle. She looks like a complete idiot - I would stick my face up a cow's behind before I would take sartorial advice from that woman.

I cannot even begin to explain just how offensive I find all this programmes and articles about 'making the best of yourself' - why not just BE yourself?! Apparently, at my age I should be wearing fitted flat-front trousers and a tailored shirt, accessorised with a 'statement' necklace and maybe some platform heels.

Right, well my current favourite outfit consists of leggings, black vest top, flouncy 50's-ish flowery skirt and a pair of pink polka-dotted wellington boots. Well, isn't that a fairly normal outfit for dogwalking? It is for me.

It should be noted at this point that I also have a mohawk hairstyle. It is currently black, but is more usually bright fuchsia pink. I am NEVER going to look like a sensible 30-something, not even when I'm 70.

And that makes me very happy indeed.

Knickers To All That...

2008-07-14T16:29:00.000+01:00

I'm trying to think of New Fabulous Things to add to my repertoire and what I am thinking of so far is pants. Literally pants - pretty knickers with lots of ribbon-y bows and maybe a dead animal or two upon them.

But would people buy undies from a craft stall, however pretty they are? I mean, I would, but then I'm a bit off kilter at the best of times...

Do pants and dead animals even go together? Does anyone ever look at their knickers and think "Hmmm, what those skimpies need is a deceased owl upon their bottom region"?

Such are the questions that haunt my days...

Love and hate in equal measure. Often wearing surgical stockings...

2008-07-14T13:21:00.001+01:00

Soooo, I did my second craft fair on Saturday and spent most of the day hiding from the rain. Unlike potential customers, who spent most of the day hiding from the craft fair. Humph.

There was a lot of interest from little old ladies - they're always drawn to me for some reason, I think they sniff out my fondness for knitting and smelly cats. It always goes one of two ways - either they love my animals and make up stories and voices for them, or they shrink back as if confronted by Beelzebub himself and run off to the stall that sells Pretty Things.

Anyway, it was a rubbish day for trade, but I covered my costs and had enough left over for chocolate and vodka. Things could be worse.